Vol. 19: The Price of Love

This week has been a sobering reminder about love and it's painful yet worthwhile price. This is not a pity piece, but it will be darker, longer, and more vulnerable than usual, and I hope you can find solace in it.

My Mom texted me on Tuesday to stop by the house when I could. She had a feeling our cat Buttons wasn't going to live much longer. This wasn't the first time I got this text from her - the same happened for Whiskers and Oliver in recent years (all 3 pictured above, circa 2012).

I got to the house that night, and Buttons couldn't walk anymore. All she could do was move her head a bit and meow quietly. Her legs had been getting weaker recently, and she'd been dealing with weight loss and hearing loss over the past year.

I knew my Mom was right, and she did too. As we were loving on Buttons together for the last time, she said "God, I always hate this part." I do too.

My Mom brought Buttons to be laid to rest at 4:30pm yesterday. She was in our life and we were in hers for over 17 years. Since I was 8.

I always hate this part.

The text from your Mom to visit home because she's knows what's about to happen, because it's happened many times before.

The apology group text from your best friend Austin to 20 friends and family members before he removes himself from the world, all the while you're all just 18 and 19 year old kids figuring out life.

The call from Seth at 6am the morning after a fraternity party telling you that Rob killed himself and that you need to get to Fratima, fumbling for your keys in the dark as you scream "damn it, Rob! Not you too!"

Your childhood cat Whiskers on her last day, holding out until you could get home so she could take her last breath in your arms.

Your uncle having a medical emergency and getting cleared and released from the hospital, only to pass suddenly a day or so later from the same cause the doctors cleared him from.

Your grandfather slowly deteriorating but never losing his personality, passing away in a hospice bed in the same house you've always had family holidays at. His final "Love you, pal" still ringing in your ears.

I always hate this part.

But I know this.

Grief is the price of love, and it's always worth paying.

I'd never heard that phrase until a random TikTok comment a few days after Rob passed. And since then I remind myself and others of it every chance I get.

We've all gone through painful things because of love.

I'll never say mine are better or worse than yours.

Your pain and my pain are different and equally valid.

But what I do know is that it's worth paying.

Every. Single. Time.

The joy that you receive from love over the course of its existence will far outweigh any pain that could come when it leaves.

The difference is that grief and pain are shorter and more intense, whereas happiness, peace, and love are longer and more subtle and constant.

And when you're in the depths of grief, pain, and suffering, it sucks. You wish you'd never loved in the first place. You wish it'd just end.

But it's worth it.

Even if you can't feel that it's worth it in the moment, it doesn't change the reality that it is.

Grief is the price of love, and it's always worth paying.

I love you all.

See you next Thursday, Steppers.

We will succeed,

Grayson

​graysonstepanek.com​

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Song of the Week:

Legends Juice WRLD PREVIEW   ​

It's okay to grieve people and things you've never met too. This song is the epitome of that for me. Juice released it a couple of days after xxxtentacion passed in 2018, and it's an homage to X and Lil Peep, who died in 2017. I saw Juice perform it live at Rolling Loud in 2019, and ironically, I saw Juice's set alone because Austin's flight out of Lafayette was delayed.

In Legends, Juice sings "What's the 27 Club? We ain't making it past 21." Peep was 21 when he passed - X was 20. Singing that then and singing that now have drastically different feelings behind them.

Austin would pass a month after Rolling Loud at 18 years old. Juice would pass 7 months later, 6 days after his 21st birthday. I loved Austin, and I also loved X, Juice, Peep, & their art - and this song encapsulates all that for me. One of the most beautiful yet saddening songs I've heard.

It's okay to grieve.